Another embarassement 🎉

 Yeah, I thought I could use a new embaressement once again, and so I made a new Discord server for my art, because I still think I'm human and sometimes, sadly, feel the need to talk about my art somewhere. We all know that IG is NOT a place where one can do that. The sad fact is that I have SO much background stuff, so much history to share, and sometimes I just wanna exchange about all of that. Which is, of course, a bit pathetic. I see other people doing this, so I assumed that I could do that, too. But well, ofc it was a failure.

Another thing that I repeatedly shared on IG with zero success. Okay, there were two people joining the server, but ofc it's not necessary to manage a whole server with such little audience. I'm grateful these two actually joined it, especially since I apparently deserve less, but it's just like with A Lament of Fallen Devils, which has had around two readers for most of the time - it doesn't work. I would never blame a single person for not giving feedback, and especially this is the reason why this doesn't work. With two people, the chance that none of them has time or energy to interact with my stuff is very high. It's just simple math at this point, nothing more. If there's more people, the chance that at least one of them writes something is just higher. And in the end, I just feel pushy when I write or show things and they get no reactions. I mean, yes, likes or whatever emojis, but that's no difference from IG. The thing I wish for just doesn't exist anymore nowadays. I'm aware of that, and still I continuously tried.

Again, I do NOT blame any of my readers or these who joined the server for not writing something! This is very important to me to notice, I don't wanna offend any of them. I completely understand that there's just no energy, no time or whatever to write something, the problem is the amount of people in general, like I tried to explain above.

I mean, my IG somehow got 70 followers again, even though I repeatedly said that it's for my manga only, and that I don't want followers who don't care about this manga, but in the end it's the same as with my previous account. About 3 people care about the manga, the rest is here for whatever different reasons. I abandoned my prev account because I couldn't handle the overwhelming amount of people who didn't care about the story. The number is still much lower than on my old account, but the feeling is almost the same. All in all, I mainly talk to myself when it comes to my manga. I'm still dumb enough to hope that whenever I'll post a new chapter, at least my two regular readers may read it, but that's all I can expect. I know that. I'm glad I have these two readers, they're the only reason why I even still try to continue, but all in all the feeling isn't really motivating.

Back to Discord - I permanently deleted my account now because I'm tired of these dumb attempts. There won't be a chance for me to do this again. And I'm perfectly aware that most people avoided to join because of the previous server. There was a discussion about my reasons why I draw and my struggles with an art block, and sadly I openly wrote about my reasons - which met a bit of support (which made me feel like I'm an actual human, yay), but of course also some negativity. I know my reasons aren't valid, I've been told that a lot in the past, and I know it's stupid to show anything of this or my personality at all. I shouldn't have done that. And in the end, I was thrown away like a piece of trash because of it, which made me delete the server. I know this may seem unfair towards those who stayed despite my horrible personality, but I felt too ashamed and hurt to stay in the end.

I don't wanna pity myself here. I definitely don't feel sorry for myself. I blame myself for showing things that I know I'm supposed to hide, and I also know there's things you shouldn't write directly or honestly. Usually, people reject my relationship to art, or at least don't understand it. It's very normal for me to hear that I should "grow up" (which is funny because I'm really not young anymore...) or that "it's just not supposed to be". I know it'd be normal if art was just a random hobby for me that I'm fine with not doing too often. I know it's stupid that art is my reason to live, and that I only feel alive through art. I need art in my life, I feel dead inside without it. It's just a personality trait (or disorder, call it whatever you want), and I didn't choose to be like that. I know life would be easier if I could just give up on art and be a good, mature worker who's happily doing their job and nothing else. People love to lecture me or to try to convince me to change. And in all honesty, yes, it makes me furious. On a positive note, it sparks my will to fight for art as much as possible, because I don't want to give in to that.
But well, people hate that about me, and so I get trashed a lot. It always feels like my reasons are invalid, as if I don't have a right to be that way - a way that I didn't choose to be. To me, doing art is having a right to exist, to feel alive, to be free, to breathe. It's my essence of life. And of course I defend it with all my power.

However - I showed too much of my rotten personality on my first server, so I'm aware that people didn't wanna join it anymore. This, and the overall disinterest in my story, of course. So I embarassed myself once more with my endless naivity. I removed it now, but sadly I can't remove it from people's memories. I just hope it gets all flushed away in this endless, fast stream of socmed. I mean, barely anyone of my follwers even knows my characters' names, why should they remember something like that?

Nonetheless, the feeling of shame remains. But I just wanted to say that I understand why almost nobody wanted to join the server. Even though I tried to assure that I won't write any personal shit anymore, especially not my struggles. After all, I never intended to make such a huge discussion out of them anyway, but when I tried to get the attention back to my story, I got thrown away. Weirdly, personal stuff, especially drama, gets always much more attention. It makes peopel hate me, but at least it seems more interesting than my story. lol

However - I tried to promise that I won't add personal drama anymore, and I also expanded the server to more of my work, not only A Lament of Fallen Devils, but that didn't help. I won't try to interact about my art anymore. I don't know how to handle IG, since posting work there originally has the intention to get interaction, too. With very low success, ofc. Especially when it's about the story itself. I'm so tired of these stupid, embarassing attempts tbh.

If the hopes for interaction for the actual chapters could be higher, I could probably accept this better, but the way it is, it just feels like I'm supposed to be a robot that puts out stuff with absolutely zero expectations, and just go on, no matter if there's feedback or not. I guess, maybe I am supposed to be a robot. Just function, never complain, never try anything weird like interaction.